Friday, June 02, 2006

Hello all, I haven't been on in a long long time, I just rearranged my priorities I guess and blogging just didn't seem to be important, I will check every now and then to catch up on old friends but I probably won't begin to blog as frequintly as before, so I'll be seein you all!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Who am I? The older I get the more I feel I lose my identity. I used to have such high hopes and big dreams but the more time that passes, the more reality sinks in. I will never travel the world, my paintings will never grace the walls of great galleries, I will never direct a box office hit or an award worthy play. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, it is the life I have chosen but you just reach a certain point in life and realize that maybe God has something else in store for you. I don't know if I am on the right path or not, I am on the straight and narrow path that has been well traveled, I am not the adventurer that I once was, the dreams become smaller and more atainable but I still ask myself what I am contributing to society? I don't know what I will be doing in ten years so I don't know if I am doing the right things to get there, I used to think I would save the world. I don't feel that I am living up to my potential in my work or in my faith, and to be honest, I am not sure that I am even trying, I do the minimum that is required to merely get by. I don't know if I am a good person, what if I am doing everything wrong, that is what I constantly pray about. Do I touch peoples lives? Probably not. Do I spread joy? I try. So I am still left with the question, who am I? I know the obvious, I am a Christian, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a grand daughter, a friend, and a fighter, but am I good at any of it? I am a jack of all trades and a master of none. Who am I?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Ok, I am happy and sad, I went to pick up my baby girl from day care and they were telling me about her day and she walked, six steps, breaking her previous record of three, and I missed it! The first time she crawled was at daycare too but it was when I was there on lunch. When they told me she walked, I was excited for her but sad for me. I was so afraid this was going to happen when I went back to work but there is nothing I can do about it, and it is even worse now that she is in the 1yr old room because I used to go see her at lunch every day and now they take naps on my lunch so I can't even do that, I hate it! I know this isn't that interesting but I just wanted to document it so I would have it on record!

Please turn your volume up and listen to the video, I love this song, and it means alot to me, I might put up the dixie chick version later, enjoy!!!

Desperately yours,
Mellow Yellow

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Why do people feel like they have to justify themselves to others or feel like they are “losers” for doing something that makes them happy? The definition of loser is as follows: los·er (lzr) 1. a. One that fails to win, b. One who takes loss in a specific way (graceful loser; poor loser) 2. a. One that fails consistently, especially a person with bad luck or poor skills b. One that is bad in quality. In my opinion, someone who is doing something that makes themselves happy, even if it is not socially accepted, is not, by definition or otherwise, a loser. It is a sad world when being happy is socially unacceptable but using the term loser is widely accepted. I honestly think that people use the term too often and it is usually jealousy driven or to draw attention away from personal attributes that they feel insecure about. Just like when someone’s parents buy them a new car, a person that wants a new car but can’t afford one will talk about how they are so spoiled and are not independent and turn it around to be a bad thing, when in reality, they would take the new car if their parents offered. I don’t know many people that would say, “oh, no thanks, I will just drive my old car.”
I really don’t know why people can’t take joy in the happiness of others, I love to see the people around me happy. I love being around kids that are about four years old, they are old enough to converse but they are not in school yet and their minds have not been corrupted yet, they understand feelings and play together, blind to prejudices and stereotypes. I think you have the right to be happy and don’t need anyone’s approval.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t condone finding happiness via criminal behavior or morally unacceptable acts. This was written with a particular situation in mind. There is a difference between morally acceptable and socially acceptable in that morals are almost socially unacceptable today so I chose to ignore social acceptance and cling to morals. Thanks for reading you two!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Anthony Michael Hall Fan club! (this is an inside joke for those of you on the outside) I wanted to dedicate this post to AMH, mainly because it is late and I don't want to think of anything to write. I hope this proves my dedication as a fan as well as a leader for my fellow club members! For those of you that don't know, AMH made a music video, I decided to feature it on this blog, enjoy!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

After reading someone else's blog, I was reminded of the strong witness that I used to be. I used to witness to anyone that seemed like they lacked guidance. I turned my mom into a bus driver, always inviting people to youth group and when they tried to say no because they didn't have any way to get there, I would tell them that we would pick them up. Most of them were girls with behavioral problems and from "disfunctional" families, they didn't have anyone to lead them in the right direction. I guess I have always been drawn to people with problems. I was also a camp counselor in good old MN, camp J.I.M. (Jesus Is Mine). I worked with the younger girls, that is where I first obtained the nick name "Mom," all the girls called me mom when they got home sick, they were such sweet girls with such good hearts, I learned so much from them. There was one girl that was very shy, Kendra, she stuck to me like glue, everything she made in crafts, she would give to me, I told her she should take them home to her mother but she continued to give them to me, I must confess, it made me feel good. I love God, and I try to do right by him, sometimes I fail, but I don't let those slips stop me. I try to let everyone know that no matter what they have done, God loves and is willing to forgive them if they are willing to go to him with their whole hearts and love him back and abide by his will. I must confess, I have not witnessed in a very long time, there is no excuse, I have just gotten lazy and selfish and wrapped up in other things. I pray nonstop, I worry that someday I will get to the gates of heaven and find out that I did it all wrong. I have faith that everything will be ok, I know we aren't promised tomorrow and that we should do the best that we can with the time that God has given us, God put us all here for a reason and I hope and pray for the wisdom to recognize my purpose. I know this hasn't been very organized, I just wrote what I thought, thanks for reading!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Shadows in my mind, thoughts that are burried for no one to find. These thoughts that haunt me are memories of pain, heartaches and scars only left in my brain. I built up a wall to block them out, only to find that the shadows remained. Deep in a hole is where I would lay, no one to find me, there in the darkness of the day. I hated myself, and began to love the pain, oh the pain I would crave, the pain I felt saved me from a cold dark grave. I controled my life in a way not told, in the darkness I stayed with only me to hold. I wanted not for visitors, because visitors betrayed, they chilled to the bone in the most hurtful ways. Day after day, night after night, sleep was a luxury that I'd rarely afford. In this life, I barely would dangle, until one day, I feel God sent me an angel. He held my hand and brought me back, with such caring eyes I saw the light in the black. Since those days, I rarely return, to that corner of my mind that shadows have burned. The scars have healed, the weight has come back, and the victim is gone and refuses to come back. My soul, God has saved, I stay in the sun and these feeling I keep locked in a cage.